Connect Study on Dating

Hey Everyone, Here is the study for this coming week. Joshua Smith wrote the study and will be teaching it as well. If you have any questions his contact info is at the end of the study. Great job, Joshua!

Dating 101

This subject can become quite ambiguous at times, but we must remember that even though the Bible does not specifically endorse dating, we can certainly draw principles from God’s word because it is very clear on marriage, chastity, purity, the condition of the heart, and attraction to the opposite gender.

What is Dating?
Dating is a relatively new idea. It has only become popular in our culture in approximately the past 100 years. It certainly was not the way that the Bible conducted “pre-marriage”. We will go into if that is a good or bad thing later on in the study.
Book definition of dating: an appointment, especially with a person of the opposite sex; a person of the opposite sex with whom an appointment is made “to date” up to the present.
Pop culture definition: hanging out with a girl or guy with the intent either initially or eventually leading to a romantic relationship between them. Most often it is viewed as an activity as opposed to a commitment. One is to experiment with the opposite gender to see what he or she likes and to become exposed to as many people as possible to ensure that one knows what he or she wants. Only the immediate future is in view.
A biblical view of dating: A relationship between a guy and a girl that initially begins as a friendship. As the boy and girl seek God first above all things (Matt. 6:33), He will either confirm or deny the relationship as in His will. If it is, the relationship moves on to a non-physical, romantic relationship. With the end of dating being marriage between the two partners. The couple seeks a dating partner that, at the present time, they can envision marrying. Each of them seeks a partner that is compatible with him or her based on biblical principles (which we will discuss later).

Should Christians date?
The Bible gives us freedom on certain things to allow us to apply cultural aspects to our walk with Christ. For example, nowhere in the Bible does it advocate that a church building must have a steeple on top of the building. Yet, the majority of church buildings in the European affected Christianity have steeples. Now, if one were to go to a more remote location, such as in central Africa, and look at a Christian church building it is usually just solid concrete. Four walls of concrete surround a dirt floor with a vegetation roof. Are our African brothers and sisters wrong because they do this? Absolutely not! The Bible does not give us any explicit or implicit principles on which to build a church building, all we have to do is make sure we follow implicit and explicit principles in the architecture of the building.
The same thought process must be applied to dating. Dating is a cultural invention; it does not come from the Bible as noted above. But, that does not mean that we are not allowed to do it. We may participate in it if we follow the explicit and implicit principles of scripture and the view of marriage. Christians are to follow these principles because after all, we live for the next world, not this one (Heb. 11:13-16).

Purpose of Christian dating:
Many kids in our student ministry have a distorted view of what dating should be like. Many who are dating should not be because they are not emotionally or spiritually ready. Some who are ready to date are fearful to do so because they believe it is unbiblical. I want us to make absolutely clear that dating is a wonderful thing to do, IF one follows biblical principles and is prepared to do so.
As opposed to what popular culture says dating is, dating for the believer in Christ is for the sole purpose of finding a partner for marriage. Why?
1. God designed us and even before The Fall, to be with the opposite gender: Ge. 2:18
a. And it is a good thing to be married: Pr. 18:22
2. God does not take playing with others heart lightly (like popular culture encourages to do in a dating relationship) Pro. 4:23. Dating is not an activity it is a commitment, although not a binding one.

Who should Christians date?
This is something that scripture is very clear:
Believers together with un-believers; I don’t think so. Believers should not marry (and therefore not date, since the purpose of dating is finding a spouse) other believers. Notice this passage:
2 Corinthians 6:11-17 Our mouth has spoken freely to you, O Corinthians, our heart is opened wide. 12 You are not restrained by us, but you are restrained in your own affections. 13 Now in a like exchange-- I speak as to children-- open wide to us also.

Paul is indicating that even though some of the Corinthians had done wrong to them, he still loved them or had their “heart opened wide”. Likewise Paul urges his fellow believers to listen to the important command that Paul was about to pronounce to them.

14 Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? 16 Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; just as God said, "I WILL DWELL IN THEM AND WALK AMONG THEM; AND I WILL BE THEIR GOD, AND THEY SHALL BE MY PEOPLE. 17 "Therefore, COME OUT FROM THEIR MIDST AND BE SEPARATE," says the Lord. "AND DO NOT TOUCH WHAT IS UNCLEAN; And I will welcome you.

Notice how Paul contrasts believers and non-believers as, “light and darkness”. If one asks why this should be, here is a proper response; “Believers in the Lord Jesus Christ have given their lives to him. No longer are they Lord of their lives, but Christ is Lord of their lives. No longer does the believer do what he or she wants to do, but what Christ wants. In contrast, the un-believer does not follow Christ or what Christ wants for their life. And in marriage, you become one flesh, guiding your marriage toward one end. If not, then it will be dysfunctional, lonely, and/or selfish. How can the light desire and move toward the ultimate Light if the partner who has become one flesh with them is desiring and moving towards more darkness? Paul puts it simply, “Nothing in common!”

Missionary Dating:
The idea that a believer can date an un-believer in order that they can draw them to Christ in hope that the un-believer will become a Christian.
Too many times have I had students (and have thought it myself a time or two) this very thing. Here is a simple response.
Remember the purpose of dating, is to eventually find a spouse for marriage. IT IS NOT to bring someone to Christ. For they should already be in Christ, for what does light have in common with the darkness? This does not mean that Christians should never share the gospel with people of the opposite gender. What it does mean is that Christians are playing with the un-believers heart (which God does not take likely; Pr. 4:23) because:
Believers intent:
Share Jesus, draw closer to them relationally, then pursue them deeper once they are a believer
Un-believers intent:
Pursue them in a deep relationship.

It is almost deceit and unfair to the un-believer because of the different motives behind each of their hearts. Plus, if the believer is trying to pull the unsaved to the light, the unbeliever will pull them toward darkness.
A disclaimer: I realize that missionary dating is not impossible. In fact, I know a few people who dated an un-believer (although they weren’t supposed to for what does light have in common with darkness?) and the un-believer came to Christ. BUT, this is an example of how God can use evil for good (Ge 50:20). For example, since God used the evil acts of the men who crucified Christ to be a part of the action that would save sinners; does this justify someone who wants to go and kill someone else? Absolutely not! We are to strive to walk in a manner that Jesus walked (1 Jn 5:6), using good for good. Not evil for good, that is impossible! (Except, of course for God.)

“But they said they were believers!”
Just because someone states with their mouth that they are believers, does not make them a believer. One must be diligent and look for fruits of the Spirit, before even considering dating. Fruits of the Spirit or evidence that a person has been saved:
1. Repentance from sin: Ps. 32:5; 2Co 7:10; 1Jn 1:8-10
2. Repeatedly praying: Lk 18:1; Col 4:2; 1Ti 2:1-4
3. Separation from the World: 1Jn 2:14-15; Jas 4:4-5
4. Obedient Living: 1Jn 2:3-5; Jn 15:14;
5. Desire for God’s Word: 1Pe 2:1-3
A disclaimer: I completely realize that once someone becomes a believer, they will not immediately display all these characteristics. For God gradually breaks our sinful flesh to sanctify us to Christ’s image. So, we should also consider if they are a mature believer; because to be “equally yoked” does not only mean to be together with believers, but believers in the same spiritual maturity as you. To most of us, that means that we need to pursue Jesus even more.

How should Christians date?

Fellowship: the unity and boding that exists between Christians by virtue of the fact that they share together in the grace of the gospel. Gathering together for a common pursue to either, worship, read/study the Scriptures, or enjoy each others company. This (as described below) is the foundation (that too many kids miss) that dating is supposed to launch off from.
A disclaimer: Now, fellowship is NOT for the purpose of dating. But Christian dating will naturally come out of friendship and fellowship. For example, how will one know if a claimed Christian is mature in their walk unless they speak with them about things of the Scriptures? Some of this “investigation” comes naturally from fellowship.

Believers are in a family, a body of Christ (1 Cor. 12:12). We are to first and foremost see each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. This is going to be a radical difference for most of the kids in our student ministry. Thinking of the opposite gender as always a potential date is very unhealthy. Doing this destroys the image of the family and replaces it with an overly emphasized romantic perception. This is something that we really need to emphasize with our students.
Influences from pop-culture have clouded our view. Notice that television and movies usually emphasize the opposite sex in a solely romantic or erotic fashion. When the Bible speaks of believers, it speaks of us as a family (reference to us as children Ro 8:16-17a). Seeing your spiritual brother or sister in a solely romantic and erotic way is not only unbiblical but it is, well, disgusting!
A disclaimer: this does not however mean that seeing other believers as potential date partners is a completely bad thing. God made man for woman and woman for man. What needs to be emphasized is that seeing the opposite gender as family is primary while dating them is secondary. They are first a brother/sister, second a date.

Friendship: As noted in the biblical definition of dating, it is to start off as friendship. We are in one in Christ and have been made brothers and sisters in Christ. We first must view a potential dating partner in this way:
1. Bros and Sisses: Ro. 8:15-17; 1Co 12:12-13;
2. We need to fellowship (defined above): Heb. 10:23-25;

Parents: This is going to be a very un-popular topic with students. Parents need to be involved with their children’s friendship and date life. Some of the fault can very possibly be the parents disinterest in the child’s affairs. But, some of it is the child’s secrecy of their affairs toward their parents. Mom and Dad are so much more wiser than the students on matters like this. This is what we need to emphasize, opening up and asking questions to their parents about dating and the opposite gender.
A disclaimer: some of our students do not have Christian parents (like myself). So asking their parents could give them wrong advice on what the purpose of dating is, how one is to date, etc. In these cases, we are to make ourselves available to the student so that they may ask questions. I have a gentleman that I regularly ask about issues relating to this and similar topics. These kids need to have the same if their parents are not believers.

Environment: too often the “dating environment” is completely secluded and sometimes romantic. Kids are missing the point. Seclusion should at least not come until the relationship is very mature and even then the couple will have to decide for themselves boundaries. The reason for this is so much temptation (either of the mind or the body) comes in seclusion. One may put the most godly girl and boy in a room together and if they are alone and are sinners, something may happen! It is important to emphasize to the students that dating is not a constant romantic partnership.
Now, please understand, I do not think that Christians should have their first date at a family gathering with people all around. That is so entirely awkward most of the time. But, possibly at a public place like a coffee shop. Or ice skating, I do not know, you pick. The point is: do not seclude yourself!

What more? This is really the time that you may, as the group leader, use as a base to further discuss how a Christian should date. As Justin and I have discussed, there are some many things we could stress at this point that it would take up fifteen pages! Also, there are different ways to date: prearranged marriages, courting, Christian dating, and secular dating, of which some have been discussed earlier.
If you have any questions please talk to Justin or I on Sunday morning or call me or e-mail me. All you have more wisdom than me anyway, I only a little boy! But, if I can help I would be glad to.

1. How should Christians view the opposite gender first? What is second? Why?
2. Who should Christians date? Why?
- What if someone “says” they are a Christian, are we go for launch then?
3. Why should we avoid seclusive environments when we are dating?
4. Is missionary dating (and all concepts that relate) okay to do? I mean it is evangelism, correct?

Thanks guys (and girls),

Joshua

E-mail: joshuatylersmith87@gmail.com
Cell: 502-921-3350